Self-Respect Will Make You Miserable

You finally did it. More or less, you’ve become the person with boundaries.

You learned to say ‘no’. You learned to leave without needing closure. You learned not to abandon yourself for whatever seemed instantly gratifying at the moment.

You worked on your bad habits; you kept promises to yourself. You practiced who you wanted to become, and it finally happened. You’ve gained self-respect…

I don’t know about you, but I thought achieving self-respect would be a bit more glorious than this. Maybe some recognition from others?

Admiration? Validation from fellow self-respecters as well as those who have still so much work to do but, you know, are trying to get to where you are? Waving your hand from the mountain top?

Well, you might be anticipating your finish line a bit differently than mine, but still… It should feel a bit more… rewarding, shouldn’t it?

Not even close! I’ll tell you this: self-respect feels a lot like punishment.

Let’s take a step back. Most of us started the same way. You find yourself on the stage of life. Stuff is thrown at you. Some things to overcome and some things to feel bad about.

A sense of accomplishment and sometimes a sense of failure. Whatever the hurdles or the joys were, we, especially as millennials, grew up hearing the same things:

Do good things, and good things will come to you. Be a good person, and some force or a god will protect you. The better you are, the more luck you will have in life.

This sort of teaching kind of pushes you into unconsciously assuming that there’s a reward to you being a good, honest person or a hard worker.

Sadly, it’s almost the exact opposite. The same harsh truth slaps you in the teeth when you become a person of integrity, dignity, and self-respect. Your life does not instantly become perfect when you start choosing yourself.

Guys, I have never, ever felt so “attacked” by friends and acquaintances. I’ve been ridiculed, mocked, boxed out, left alone… All this because I stayed true to myself.

And for fear of losing my self-respect, I spoke my mind, defended my choices, left where I was not appreciated, did not explain myself when I didn’t see any effort, improved myself in every way I could…

Boy, did this eliminate a lot of people from my life. I’ve seen people wriggle and squirm to keep themselves from complimenting my looks because I’ve achieved my ideal “pilates body” at home, when all they have done the whole time is complain about not having time.

I’ve seen people literally, pretty much shamelessly defend their smoking habit after I told them that I quit because they think that I’ll relapse, and the damage has already been done just because they can’t accept the fact that they can quit but are too weak to try.

I’ve been accused of having “high standards” just because I refused to settle for something less than I wanted. I’ve received worried looks because I said I’d rather stay alone than be in a relationship where I’m emotionally unsatisfied.

This last part is something I struggle with pretty frequently. Not because I have to choose between several guys every day, but because loneliness feels like a painfully legitimate reason to bend your rules on self-respect. It sadly is.

It makes you think about all those women who look past the red flags and stay in relationships even if there’s nothing in it for them, but at least they’re not alone.

Having someone to call at the end of the day, even if that person makes you question your worth. Sharing the weight of your life with someone, even if he occasionally breaks your heart.

That’s the trade-off, isn’t it? You’re not lonely anymore, but you have to let go of a piece of yourself.

Trust me, the choice is not that black and white, not when you’re in the middle of a shitstorm that is your life, and you’ve got nobody to run to, talk to, or share some of your troubles with.

So there is no reward for self-respect. There are no treasures and gifts at the end of the rainbow just because you’re saying no to instant gratification. Nobody hands you a lollipop for being a good girl.

Then, why keep going? Better yet, how?

When I’m faced with a decision between choosing myself and abandoning myself, I focus on the aftertaste…

A night with the red flag as a way of quick relief from loneliness? The bad habit that soothes me instantly? The invite that requires me to alter my whole routine?

Whatever it is, I can get caught in the moment and find millions of ways to justify it and convince myself to say yes. After all, some things are better in your mind than in reality.

But I just visualize the experience as a journey and then imagine what I feel afterward. I imagine the aftertaste of whatever it is that I’m about to say yes to.

You can imagine the journey and trick yourself into thinking how beautiful it is, but you can’t fake the afterfeel.

If the taste is bitter, if it feels like you’re covering your ears to your own voice, it’s, once again, worth sticking with your self-respect and saying no.

So, those of you who are working on yourselves, know that the right choice doesn’t always feel right. It feels like the dumb choice. The cowardly choice.

Get ready. You’ll be lonely. Your life, mundane. Regular. Ordinary. Uneventful. Dull. Boring even. Your phone will be dry. You will be drier.

Is this a better way to live? I honestly can’t tell. I can’t tell if a woman with less self-respect is less happy than I am.

But god damn… Not choosing yourself when you didn’t know any better is one thing, but not choosing yourself when you know you could? That slows you down, even if it doesn’t stop you.